But it’s true. It’s a condition. An affliction even! 

You know how some people talk about having two left feet? Mine is more like having two left feet, attached to knees that operate seemingly under their own volition, and arms that are both unusually long and prone to flying about involuntarily. 

The problem is, I’m also a chronic car singer, a fatally afflicted air-guitarist, and a terminal move-buster when no one’s watching.

The combination of which means I live in a mix of near constant fear that one day all the stars will align in one unfortunate acrobatic travesty.

The day I’m forever fearing is being at once within arms reach of other people, in low lighting, surrounded by heavy bass and a deceptively flat floor.

And since it’s country music time here in Tamworth, and all those trigger points are scattered about the place in every direction, it is a fear that has me seriously considering having trained medical professionals on stand by. Just in case.

Most days, it’s a big enough job to remain upright and under a steady forward momentum without bringing minor injury to anyone. So, my dance moves – when they come busting out – tend to look a bit like a Gumby stop-motion animation if the animator suffered a series of violent non-fatal spasms during recording.

Clearly, I needed professional help.

The first step: pick a style.

The festival is in full swing. Line dancing seemed like the right choice.

The genre had added advantages. In all the videos I checked out online everyone seemed to be at a reasonably safe distance most of the time, so there was little need to have a paramedic attend. That was a big tick in the pros column.

There didn’t seem to be a lot of unnecessary popping, locking, flips, spins, head balancing and lifting lithe movie stars like I’d seen in all those Step Up movies. Another tick.

When it’s done right, the moves looked super wicked. Big tick.

And it looked like I would have the benefit of someone vastly more experienced to help; a brilliant local bloke, super light on his feet, and patient enough to instruct me – and hopefully help work through my Gumby problem – one step at a time.

Clearly, I thought, line dancing was my calling. It was time to know more.

“There is lots of myths and rumours about how line dancing began. I guess the one we hear about is that it started in mid-west USA when there were cowboys out on cattle drives and they would have some music out but no one to dance with, so they started dancing in lines,” Chris Watson explained.

Chris, by the way, was my teacher for the afternoon. A guy who makes everything cool look easy, which makes it look even cooler.

“In Australia, it has probably been 25 to 27 years that it has been going strong. Back in the '90s, it was said to be a fad, and that was our heydey when you would come to a class, and there would be hundreds of people in class.”

There are actually a few big line dancing showdowns in Australia each year. The Tamworth Country Music Festival certainly brings folks to the dance floor, but there is also a big event in May that attracts over 1000 dancers.

“I say you have muscle memory and the more you do it, the more your muscles remember the steps and the rhythm. A song could come on that we haven't danced to for 10 or 12 years and some people will remember it straight away just because of that muscle memory.”

Perfect, I think as Chris explains. I just need to learn the steps.

“For me, I have only trained in line dancing, but it has led me to rock and roll, two-step, west coast swing and east coast swing,” he said.

Excellent, I think again, I can jump from my soon-to-be-acquired grooves into the world of rhythm. So long terminal affliction!

“I say get in and give it a go. Life is for living. If you see some line dancing, go and give it a go,” Chris says.

As it turns out, line dancing is a lot more complicated than it looks. But that doesn’t mean it cannot be done. If Chris could teach me, he can teach anyone and the best part is there are beginner classes everyday of the festival at Tamworth Shoppingworld!

You have to check it out!