It’s the jolliest time of the year, when we’re looking forward to good food, liberal libations and the most excellent company. But in all that mirth and good times, there are a few things we’re dreading finding stuffed in our stockings.
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1. Anything with Santa’s face on the front
That coffee cup with the distressingly chubby Santa cheeks poking out from the sides looks so perfect on December 23. Why wouldn’t it?
It’s Christmas eve-eve. We had a plan. All the shopping would be done by December 12, neatly wrapped in tasteful paper and an amount of bows and ribbons that suitably shows off our enviable preparation to all the out-of-town relatives drawn by the promise of ham.
Now, it’s December 23. Uncles are arriving in a matter of hours. Wrapping paper is the last thing on our minds as we pick bits of sticky tape out of our hair, juggle children we’re only half-sure we own, fending off the Christmas crazies and madly grabbing at anything left on the shelf that looks mildly festive. It’s a free-for-all.
Mug-Santa may look perfect but those rosy cheeks will take a nose-dive from $12 on Christmas eve to 0.75 cents as he looks depressingly up at the food-coma survivors from the discount bin on December 27.
If you have $12 to spend on December 23, grab a couple of boxes of Cadbury Favourites – a sure-fire success at any holiday get-together.
2. Sweaters with Rudolph on them
Nowadays Millenials are making just about anything cool again. What with all their “discovering” things we thought we all knew about in the ’80s.
The sight of that slightly demented-looking Rudolph smiling simply out of our Christmas stockings from a field of the most intensely clashing green imaginable is like something out of a third-rate holiday horror film.
But as much as it makes us want to call in Samuel L Jackson to negotiate Nanna away from the knitting needles, we can’t help but think there is something just a little bit adorable about the whole affair.
And then there’s these things:
3. Toy. Batteries not included.
It’s a sound only David Attenborough could love. The native wail of a three-to-45 year-old suddenly realising their new high-tech toy won’t go until December 27.
That’s it. Pack up Christmas. The holidays are cancelled.
4. Batteries. Toy not included.
It’s the holidays and that means Dad’s sense of humour is in fine form.
The only thing more disheartening than unwrapping 18 individually wrapped Energizer AA batteries, weighing down our Santa stockings with the promise of something high-tech and Retina display-enhanced, is realising two of them will go into an electric toothbrush and the rest will rotate in groups of four through a Mini Dolphin torch.
Because nothing says “Love ya kiddo” more than 23 Lumens and healthy teeth and gums.
