![Independence day: Lily Molyneux, 5, looks out for the bus with older brothers Jordan, 8, and Bailey, 10. Photo: Edwina Pickles Independence day: Lily Molyneux, 5, looks out for the bus with older brothers Jordan, 8, and Bailey, 10. Photo: Edwina Pickles](/images/transform/v1/crop/frm/silverstone-feed-data/39acc4d2-00e0-494d-8e70-ee969fc84fc4.jpg/r0_0_729_410_w1200_h678_fmax.jpg)
![The world's longest umbilical cord?: Emma (left) and Imogen Murray hold their mobile phones, which their mother Trish gave them when they were in years 5 and 4 respectively. Photo: James Alcock The world's longest umbilical cord?: Emma (left) and Imogen Murray hold their mobile phones, which their mother Trish gave them when they were in years 5 and 4 respectively. Photo: James Alcock](/images/transform/v1/crop/frm/silverstone-feed-data/a0287b80-01b3-4248-9e21-c9953d8f15ab.jpg/r0_0_729_410_w1200_h678_fmax.jpg)
Parenting is an endless series of judgment calls. When is your child old enough to watch ABC3 instead of ABCKids? When are they ready to start school? When are they old enough to go to a party where there could be drugs and alcohol? The right answer will differ from child to child, depending on their personality, experience and your family's values. Yet there are some rough age guidelines parents can use to help them decide when their child is ready to take that next growing up step.
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What age should you take your child to a funeral?
Farewelling loved ones is traumatic at any age but what if you're a small child? Will attending a funeral bring closure or will witnessing the raw grief and the grim coffin scar them for life?
Fifty per cent of people think it's inappropriate for a child under 12 to be at a funeral, according to Relationships Australia counsellor Anita Vosper. But she argues there is a place for primary school children at funerals if they are keen to attend, and their parents judge them emotionally capable of the experience.
"We need to give children an opportunity to acknowledge loss and to grieve it," Vosper said. "It's a parent's job to assist young children to grow up and be resilient. In order to do that they have to experience life. Death is a part of the life cycle."
The child could even take part in the service, presenting a drawing or reading a prayer that is meaningful to them. However if the death was unexpected, of a young person, or occurred in traumatic circumstances, it may be better to keep children away.
Experts warn that adults should also consider their own emotional state before allowing a child to accompany them to a funeral. "It depends how the parent is coping with the loss," family psychologist Judith Locke said. "Kids can handle a lot but they can't handle it when they think their parents can't handle something."
Vosper suggests parents have an adult back-up support person for the child in case their own grief overwhelms them. Conversely, sometimes having a child around can be a welcome distraction.
While children start to understand the permanence of death around the age of seven, Locke said the notion that attending a funeral will bring closure really only applies to adults, as children haven't developed their frontal lobe yet. "Don't worry about the child remembering it with great distress over time. It's not as scary for kids because they're not getting it."
What age should you let your child make their own way to school?
Where once kids played in a one kilometre radius from their home, now they don't venture 30 metres beyond their front door by themselves. Tragedies like the abduction of Sunshine Coast teenager Daniel Morcombe have convinced many that danger lurks around every street corner.
The proportion of children being driven to school has soared from 16 per cent in 1970 to 63 per cent now, says the Heart Foundation.
Yet a child in upper primary is more than capable of getting to school on their own, experts say, and should definitely be travelling to high school by themselves. This fosters a sense of responsibility, independence and self-confidence.
Parenting expert Kathy Walker says she wouldn't let a child under eight walk to school by themselves because their brain hasn't developed enough. "Until they're eight years old the brain is at a particular stage called egocentric thought," she said. "They are actually not able to really discern the differences of all the variables in life that can cause them harm."
If a parent judges their child over eight is mature enough to travel independently, and lives in a relatively safe neighbourhood, experts suggest building up to the solo journey. First might be short trips to the local post box alone, then chaperoned on the bus or on foot by their parents, before making the trip to school alone.
Parents should discuss scenarios with their child, such as traffic lights not working, buses not turning up, or being approached by strangers, to work out appropriate responses.
It can be helpful if the child has a group of peers or an older sibling with whom they can travel. "If there is an unexpected event they have a little group to look after them, they're not isolated," Walker said.
Lily's already catching the bus home
Yvette Molyneux's third child Lily only started kindergarten this year, but already she is catching the school bus home. She's in the company of her older brothers Jordan and Bailey, who also started catching the bus when they were in kindergarten.
"The kids really enjoy it, they asked to catch the bus," Molyneux, who meets them at the bus stop, said. "The boys love the independence of it."
It also saves their mother a 20-minute drive to their Belrose school, petrol, and the hassle of getting her new baby Willow in and out of the car.
Some parents are surprised that Lily is already on the bus by herself. "You do feel the need to justify why she's on the bus at that age."
Molyneux believes the school journeys are preparing her children for more independent travel as they get older. "It's not going to be daunting when they take a trip to the local mall," she said. "If the kids are confident kids and it's easier for the parents, [getting to and from school by themselves] is good for them."
However, there are down sides to the Molyneux children travelling with older kids. "They're coming back with jokes [and expressions] that are a little bit old for them."
What age should you buy your child a mobile phone?
There is "no legitimate reason" for a primary school child to have a mobile phone, according to Cybersafety expert Susan McLean. They're too young to need it to socialise and she sees little value in a mobile phone as a safety tool.
"The idea of child safety is a load of nonsense," McLean said. "By the time they get the phone out of their bag they'll be grabbed off the street anyway. Safety is up to you, the parent, not giving your child a phone and hoping for the best."
If parents insist there are times their child needs to carry a mobile phone, McLean suggests buying a cheap "dumb phone", that can only make and receive calls, for this purpose.
By the time children start high school, a mobile is an essential tool for socialising with their peers. It can also teach teenagers responsibility, if they have to foot the bill or manage their monthly credit allowance.
But parents are advised to turn off the apps, switch on age restrictions on video, know the password, check their child's social media profiles regularly and insist the phone be left on the kitchen bench at night.
"Give them a device that you, the parent, are in control of," McLean said. "If they break the trust and don't show maturity, then you need to take it off them."
Parents should also be wary of using a mobile as "the world's longest umbilical cord" to stay connected with their children. Tracking their movements by GPS or texting and phoning them constantly, particularly when they are at school, is "normalising an obsessive relationship" that is becoming increasingly common, family psychologist Judith Locke said.
Text me when you get to school
Trish Murray bequeathed one of her old phones to her daughters Imogen, 12, and Jemma, 13, two years ago when they started walking to school together. They had to text their mother when they got to school, and if they didn't, she would ring them.
"For me it was peace of mind so I knew where they were," Murray said. "They have such busy schedules, it's like co-ordinating an army." She also uses an app to pinpoint the girls' exact geographic location via their mobiles. "It's virtual parenting, it is so handy."
The girls have a $20 prepaid monthly budget, which is teaching them to manage their use, as their mother won't top their credit up when it runs out.
Murray said her daughters were very excited when they got the phone (they now have one each). "I said this is about responsibility, I'm putting a lot of trust in you," she remembers. "They were like 'we're going to show you we can be really grown up about this'. I have no hesitation in taking it off them if something is going on and they know that."
Murray said her girls, now in years 6 and 7, are a little young to get caught up in the teenage social media world of mobile phones. "I'm sure there will be parents of teenagers laughing at me, saying 'you wait and see what's coming'."
What age should you tell your child you've tried drugs?
Not until they're a fully-fledged adult essentially. "They don't need to know everything about you," Julie Rae from the Australian Drug Foundation said. "You may never tell them you did drugs. It's not necessary."
Research shows the longer children defer trying drugs or alcohol, the less chance they will suffer harm from these substances. Admitting your own use may tacitly sanction experimentation at a younger age.
While there may not be a moral obligation to volunteer your drug-taking history to your child, what if they ask you point blank if you took drugs? "You can divert that," Rae said. "It's not about you as a parent, it's about alcohol and drugs they will come across in their lives. They need to be prepared in the best way to handle that."
Some parents confuse teaching their child boundaries around drug and alcohol use with an opportunity to share their own experiences with these substances. War stories can often contradict the responsible behaviour message parents are trying to send.
"It's not a moment to bond with your child," family psychologist Judith Locke points out. "The reason to talk about your own drug experiences should clearly be to educate them, not befriend them. Do it at a stage where they will take it and not use it against you, and talk about the pros and cons in a way that doesn't solely rely on your experiences."
Parents should be having age appropriate conversations with their children about drug use from the time they are seeing it depicted in the media, taking into account their child's own maturity and temperament. "It's really important you do not wait until they're walking out the door going to their first party," Rae said.
What age should you leave your child home alone?
Whether it's leaving your child at home for five minutes while you duck out to the shops for a litre of milk or for an entire weekend while you're away, there are no laws dictating what age children can be left alone in Australia.
However, parents are legally obligated to make sure their children are properly looked after. The NSW Government advises that a child left alone must be old enough to know what to do in an emergency and where to get help.
Parents must make their own assessment as to when their child is capable of fending for themselves. Experts advise waiting until a teenager is 16 before vacating the house for an entire weekend.
Relationships Australia counsellor Anita Vosper said parents need to ask themselves if their teenager is sensible, has proven they can be trusted, and has the ability to make a good decision if a problematic situation arises.
Parents should take a stepped approach to leaving their teenager unsupervised, starting with a morning, then a whole day, before going away overnight. "Never ever do it unless they've got basic respect for you and absolutely know that actions have consequences," Judith Locke said.
The national director of Get A Grip Teenz education program, Liz Walker suggests parents get a friend or neighbour to check in on a teenager left alone for the weekend.
"That gives a certain level of trust but you still have accountability," Walker said. "As mature as we like to think our teens are, having an empty house for the weekend is a bit tempting."
But Locke argues it's actually a good sign if you return home blissfully unaware your teenager has managed to stage a party in your absence. "Clever them if they can have a party and clean up and you're none the wiser," she said. "It shows a good sense of responsibility. If they've kept the neighbours happy then the party has been under control."
However some children feel anxious about being left alone, particularly if they have grown up with an ever-present parent. "A lot of kids feel too scared to be left alone, they're not as confident as they used to be about being self-reliant," Locke said. "When you're constantly with your parents the message is you can't cope without them."
What age should you let your teenager's boyfriend or girlfriend sleep over?
It's probably one of the most contentious milestones a family faces. When – if ever – do you sanction your child's boyfriend or girlfriend staying the night under your roof? "It's up to the individual parent to decide if their values allow for it," Liz Walker said.
Some parents will never condone it, preferring to live in denial that their teen might be sexually active. Others will allow a long-term partner, whom they know, like and trust, to stay over in a separate room, hoping (perhaps in vain) that bedhopping won't occur in the middle of the night.
"If your child has a serious relationship would you really like them to do it in a car or somewhere else?" asks Sydney sex therapist Matty Silver. "All kids have sex even if you think they never do. It's much better to let them know you know what is going on in their world."
Parents should consider whether their child is able to emotionally handle a sexual relationship and ensure they are practising safe sex. It's also worth remembering the legal age of consent is 16 in NSW.
But Judith Locke argues teenagers should move out of home if they want the freedom to have their lover sleep over.
"Watch out giving them the advantages of childhood and the privileges of adulthood in the same place," she warns. "You're in a very bad place if you're doing their washing and letting the boyfriend or girlfriend sleep over. It can all go the child's way and then why would they ever move out?"
At 17, time was right for Eugenie's boyfriend to sleep over
Becky Rainworth* was forced to confront the vexed issue of teenage sleepovers when she received a phone call from a mother she did not know.
"Is my daughter with your son?" asked the mother. Rainworth opened the door to her 16-year-old's bedroom to find the 14-year-old girl in his bed.
"That was really scary," Rainworth recalls. "I said 'you cannot do that. She's 14, it's illegal'."
Her daughter Eugenie took a more up front approach a few years later when she started seeing a boy from the country. In year 11 at the time, Eugenie asked her mother directly if her boyfriend could stay the night when he was in Sydney.
"Well, what's the situation?" Rainworth asked. "Well what do you think?" her daughter replied. "I'm not sure,"Rainworth said.
Rainworth and her husband decided that not letting Eugenie's boyfriend sleep over wouldn't stop their 17-year-old from having sex. They were reassured by her maturity and the fact they liked the boy. Rainworth also made an appointment with the family doctor for her daughter.
"At least we knew our daughter was safe and in the house," Mrs Rainworth said. "If we said no they'd go somewhere else. And he was so respectful."
Rainworth believes it helped having a very open relationship with her sensible daughter. While some parents were shocked by her decision to let Eugenie's boyfriend stay the night, a lot of parents agreed that they'd prefer to know their daughter was at home with a boy who treated her well.
"I think these days parents generally - depending on the child, the boy involved and the circumstances - probably prefer their child at home than not," Rainworth said. "I suppose in a way it's hanging on to your child for a little bit longer. [Although] it was definitely confronting. You've just got to walk your way through it somehow."
*Name has been changed