1. So, we've been waiting more than a year for ASADA to do something about Stephen Dank, and on the day it's supposed to happen more than half the panel had better things to do?

2. St Kilda's footy team based in St Kilda? Ingenious.

3. It's a bit rich having to pay the taxi driver an extra 30 per cent to get you to the MCG when you've gotta tell most of them where it is.

4. The AFL says it can do more to help footballers from suffering the same plight as Mitch Clark. Perhaps not making out that young blokes who kick and catch a ball are engaged in the single most important pursuit known to humankind might be a start.

5. Meanwhile, another week passes without any mention of drugs. Actually, scrap that last bit.

ARMCHAIR FOOTY BINGO

Do you keep hearing commentators say what a great finisher Gia is and think, ''I wish he'd come 'round here and finish painting me house''? Did you hear Brenton Sanderson say the Crows have ''performance anxiety'' and couldn't help but think of Viagra? Get out of the gutter with a game of Armchair Footy Bingo! Score more points than you can lose days getting to Seaford, and you win!

This weekend's targets:

– An online poll to update the Carlton v Melbourne ''bruise-free footy'' sledge is bombarded with suggestions to replace ''bruise'' with ''skill'', ''interest'', ''spectator'' and ''finalist'' – not enough points.

– Hiccups continue to plague Ross Lyon's stated aim for Fremantle to kick two more goals per game, when it's revealed the Dockers are yet to settle on the ''two more goals than what?'' part of the equation – not enough goals or points points.

– Paul Roos is rendered speechless after he bails up another Melbourne player at a break and screams, ''What the @#$! did you think would happen?'', only to get the response, ''I could ask you exactly the same thing'' – only one year and 20 games to go points.

– Media types analyse the Sydney-North Melbourne clash without a single reference to Lance Franklin – a million to one points.

SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION

Six steps from John McEnroe to Daniel Merrett:

1. John McEnroe is a former tennis player who wore a headband and rushed the net and chipped and sliced and swore a bit and married Tatum and bought an art gallery and became a commentator and made Bruce swoon but now we're stuck with Jim Courier, who looks like he wishes he was in a shampoo ad, like ...

2. Jennifer Lopez, who had an album called J-Lo which started that whole A-Rod, K-Fed, U-Ho nonsense and wasn't life so much simpler when people hand-wrote letters and sang songs around pianos and everyone picked up a man and kicked long to a contest and you only handballed if you were in more trouble than ...

3. Robert O'Hara Burke, who was an early settler so he must have found some strife although we could have put Mick Malthouse here just for laughs because the Blues still haven't won a game and Mick's ''reacted savagely'' at selection and you'd wonder how they could tell when he's generally about as happy as ...

4. Yosemite Sam, who was a cartoon gun-slinger whose first show was called Hare Trigger and was written by an animator named Mike Maltese, and no we didn't make that up, and he and Elmer Fudd didn't like rabbits, especially that rascally one who could escape by using his ears like a helicopter, which reminds us of ...

5. Dick Smith, who's a big boy scout who opened a little electronics shop that went ballistic and sponsors the Tigers and he's flown around the world and campaigned for this and that and wants us all to buy stuff that's made by dinki-di Aussie companies, which is why he's got his own sauce, which is the nickname of ...

6. Daniel Merrett, who does some tasty stuff on the footy field, including that forearm on the Swallow kiddie that only cost him the same number of games as Nat Fyfe accidentally cracking heads with a bloke, and to that you'd have to say, ''You cannot be serious!'' and John McEnroe would no doubt agree.

FOOTYHEAD SAYS

From the bloke who's been working hard on his positive bench presence since the 70s:

''In startling news, teams have found the reason they are getting beat is because the only players their disposals ever find happen to be wearing the opposition's colours. One wonders how long that revelation would've stayed buried if there weren't 200 people hard at it in the footy department.''